So, it's that time of year again, trying to make time for all of the family during the holidays.
This is how we originally split up the holidays. I got Christmas with my family, he gets Christmas eve with his. Thanksgiving was his, and I think I got Easter? Summer holidays we decided were ours. Or spent with whomever was having a picnic.
I love Thanksgiving with my family, it's my favorite, but I gave it up because it was the only holiday he spent with his Aunt. I should mention now that he didn't tell his mother he was spending it with his aunt, for 2 years in a row she thought he was with my family. So for 2 years we spent Thanksgiving at his Aunts and then 2 days later on Saturday we went to his parents house and celebrated with them. Last year the shit hit the fan and she did find out about us going to the Aunts and was very upset. I remember he saying that she just wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with us on Thanksgiving.
This year we decided to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. But after the shit hitting the fan, and his mom, for some reason, still asking if we'd celebrate with them this year, I thought of a compromise. The could celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I thought great, everyone is happy. They didn't accept at first. That they had plans. (But if our plans fell through, they would cancel theirs?) Then a couple weeks ago they changed their mind and decided to join my family's celebration. Great, we'd only have to celebrate once. Awesome. But then... She mentioned getting a turkey for that weekend, and would we like to come for dinner. I'll probably have to work that Saturday we replied, okay, we'll do it Sunday then. And we're still trying to get out of it.
I could just look at it as more turkey, just a dinner, but I can't. This is my problem: Why do they get there own personal Thanksgiving? My family doesn't get one. Why do they get an extra celebration? I spent that last 2 years celebrating twice with his family.Why can't I just celebrate it once as a big family this year? Two birds, one stone or something.
I just don't want to start a war.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Getting Over It
I have been married for over a year, and with the same (I want to say boy, and then Brendan) man for over 3 years. The first point of this entry is about growing up. I am not dating a boy, I am not in high school roaming the halls for whomever smiled at me. I am 30, he is 31. We're not kids anymore. And with all that growing up we found some baggage along the way to bring into our relationship.
This is about my baggage though.
I am am slightly obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert right now. I just finished her book, Committed, and have watched Eat Pray Love twice in 2 days. I am taken by the notion of getting over one's past to move on to the future. Except I am already in my future/present. I never took the time to actually deal with everything. I moved so aggressively away from the last guy, that I never had that last conversation with him. I made a decision to move on and then I did. I decided to date. And within a month I found Brendan.
So, is my regret that I didn't have one last conversation with him? Or even if I did I wouldn't know what to say? Let me make something clear: I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to know him anymore. I have feared running into him. I spent time thinking about those things, and exasperating the thought to a mutual friend. What I realized is that I have a huge amount of regret when it comes to him. I suddenly realized that I mustn't known him at all. I spent less than 3 years, slightly less, being infatuated, in love with someone that I actually never knew. Because if I knew him enough, I never would have done this to myself. I wouldn't have spent almost 3 years waiting. Mostly because I had met someone a year before him and spent the same amount of time concurrently waiting. I was a girl divided for two boys, I never had to make a choice, they did and when they didn't I spent 4 years not committing myself to anyone or anything. It's amazing I learned how to.
Maybe I was intrigued by Brendan because I never had to wait to fall in love with him. He was just so, himself. And he exhibited every quality I wanted and needed. There was no drama. Maybe I knew it was right because I found my best friend in someone I could actually be in a relationship with. And that thought is truly scary.
There is a huge amount of IF in that statement. If it had worked out with one of the other guys, I wouldn't have met Brendan. What comforts me in the scary IF is that I would truly regret not knowing him and being his wife. Saying that is how I knew I made the right choice would be ridiculous because I never asked myself the question. It wasn't a matter or choice, falling in love with him and creating our life together. It was a matter of transformation.
This is about my baggage though.
I am am slightly obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert right now. I just finished her book, Committed, and have watched Eat Pray Love twice in 2 days. I am taken by the notion of getting over one's past to move on to the future. Except I am already in my future/present. I never took the time to actually deal with everything. I moved so aggressively away from the last guy, that I never had that last conversation with him. I made a decision to move on and then I did. I decided to date. And within a month I found Brendan.
So, is my regret that I didn't have one last conversation with him? Or even if I did I wouldn't know what to say? Let me make something clear: I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to know him anymore. I have feared running into him. I spent time thinking about those things, and exasperating the thought to a mutual friend. What I realized is that I have a huge amount of regret when it comes to him. I suddenly realized that I mustn't known him at all. I spent less than 3 years, slightly less, being infatuated, in love with someone that I actually never knew. Because if I knew him enough, I never would have done this to myself. I wouldn't have spent almost 3 years waiting. Mostly because I had met someone a year before him and spent the same amount of time concurrently waiting. I was a girl divided for two boys, I never had to make a choice, they did and when they didn't I spent 4 years not committing myself to anyone or anything. It's amazing I learned how to.
Maybe I was intrigued by Brendan because I never had to wait to fall in love with him. He was just so, himself. And he exhibited every quality I wanted and needed. There was no drama. Maybe I knew it was right because I found my best friend in someone I could actually be in a relationship with. And that thought is truly scary.
There is a huge amount of IF in that statement. If it had worked out with one of the other guys, I wouldn't have met Brendan. What comforts me in the scary IF is that I would truly regret not knowing him and being his wife. Saying that is how I knew I made the right choice would be ridiculous because I never asked myself the question. It wasn't a matter or choice, falling in love with him and creating our life together. It was a matter of transformation.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Something's are bitter
We often get pissed off at America. Or maybe it's New York. Or it's the government. Either way, it sucks to do things right sometimes. This is what started our little joke. We did things right. Said bitterly and with sarcasm. The vent that comes afterwards is the anger.
I went to college right after high school. I did 2 years of community college and paid for it out of pocket. Then I went to Albany and finished up my generic degree. When I got home, I had 2 part time jobs for a bit, then decided it would be a good idea to become a librarian so I went to grad school. Then the economy crashed in 2008. So there hasn't been a whole lot of full time jobs since. But still, in the last 5 years I bought a car, moved out of my parents house, lived on my own for a couple years before meeting Brendan. I traveled a bit. And I made day to day life work. I had fun. He went to community college long enough to accrue over 10 grand in student loans. Even though he didn't get the fancy piece of paper he still found a job he could (at one time) stand and mad enough money to support himself.
And then we met. And somehow, 2 rights didn't make another right. Because of our debt and our wants. I have 2 part time jobs and no health insurance so that means no babies. I also brought with me 40 G in student loans and 10 G in credit card debt. He brought in about 15 G in student loans and random other debts. And we're suppose to start a life with this? Apparently we don't really get to start fresh with someone new.
This is why we're bitter. If we were poorer, we'd be fine. But since we're trying to make enough money to pay off our debt, we don't get any of the free crap that poor people get. Why do they get rewarded? Because when you don't have those items available to you freely, you see it as a reward for not working as hard.
I would just like to bring up the thought of dystopian marriages right now, because I read too many books in the genre. We wouldn't have worked. We wouldn't have been matched, our application for a spouse wouldn't have been approved, etc. And that is sad.
I went to college right after high school. I did 2 years of community college and paid for it out of pocket. Then I went to Albany and finished up my generic degree. When I got home, I had 2 part time jobs for a bit, then decided it would be a good idea to become a librarian so I went to grad school. Then the economy crashed in 2008. So there hasn't been a whole lot of full time jobs since. But still, in the last 5 years I bought a car, moved out of my parents house, lived on my own for a couple years before meeting Brendan. I traveled a bit. And I made day to day life work. I had fun. He went to community college long enough to accrue over 10 grand in student loans. Even though he didn't get the fancy piece of paper he still found a job he could (at one time) stand and mad enough money to support himself.
And then we met. And somehow, 2 rights didn't make another right. Because of our debt and our wants. I have 2 part time jobs and no health insurance so that means no babies. I also brought with me 40 G in student loans and 10 G in credit card debt. He brought in about 15 G in student loans and random other debts. And we're suppose to start a life with this? Apparently we don't really get to start fresh with someone new.
This is why we're bitter. If we were poorer, we'd be fine. But since we're trying to make enough money to pay off our debt, we don't get any of the free crap that poor people get. Why do they get rewarded? Because when you don't have those items available to you freely, you see it as a reward for not working as hard.
I would just like to bring up the thought of dystopian marriages right now, because I read too many books in the genre. We wouldn't have worked. We wouldn't have been matched, our application for a spouse wouldn't have been approved, etc. And that is sad.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Something's are angry
About a month ago we got into a horrific fight. Screaming and yelling, me crying, him slamming the door into the wall and throwing his McDonalds across the kitchen. We drank too much. That was the real reason we were fighting. He thought I didn't trust him... I just thought he was being an ass... but we both ended up crying and he said out loud "You're the only thing I ever did right"... And the fight was over.
We have made at least 5 mistakes.
And no matter how hard we tried to make up for the mistakes, we carry the causes, effects and guilt with us. I learned that night that those are the worst reasons to be fighting, because even if the fight ends quickly and with a kiss, we still say things we don't mean. And then the fight gets bigger than it should be. All of our fights have been bigger than they should be.
One night I told him to stop it. I suddenly realized that fighting was the least productive use of our emotions and time. We're broke. We both have ambitions and not enough money to attain them. We have goals to have a family and we cannot do that yet. So instead we get really angry at each other. I asked him to forgive me that night. To just get over it. Because if these fights aren't going to end our marriage, just make us feel bad about ourselves and not solve any problem, what is the point of them?
We have made at least 5 mistakes.
- Me, not being on the civil service list and being unable to interview for a few jobs.
- Both, spending money irresponsibly.
- Him, not paying tickets, a few times.
- Both, tax issues.
- Me, not interviewing for a job.
And no matter how hard we tried to make up for the mistakes, we carry the causes, effects and guilt with us. I learned that night that those are the worst reasons to be fighting, because even if the fight ends quickly and with a kiss, we still say things we don't mean. And then the fight gets bigger than it should be. All of our fights have been bigger than they should be.
One night I told him to stop it. I suddenly realized that fighting was the least productive use of our emotions and time. We're broke. We both have ambitions and not enough money to attain them. We have goals to have a family and we cannot do that yet. So instead we get really angry at each other. I asked him to forgive me that night. To just get over it. Because if these fights aren't going to end our marriage, just make us feel bad about ourselves and not solve any problem, what is the point of them?
We did somethings right
"We did things right"...It is our joke, Brendan and I.
Sometime it's bitter. Sometime it's said with anger. Sometimes it is said with tears.And sometimes, like days before our 1st wedding anniversary, it's said with a smile.
We met online. We meant to find each other. Both of us were coming out of some sort of a relationship, him: engagement, me: long term uncommitment with multiple guys in a row.We wanted to date, anyone. Many people. We wanted to go on bad dates and learn from them. Like starting our dating life all over again, reboot on love. Well, after our first date (which counted as 2 after 6+ beers and a late dinner) we were together. Immediately. Somehow, we went full strength ahead and never looked back. We were living together after 6 months, engaged on our 1 year anniversary, married 10 months later. Now, a year later... and we're still looking forward to everything finally going our way.
Sometime it's bitter. Sometime it's said with anger. Sometimes it is said with tears.And sometimes, like days before our 1st wedding anniversary, it's said with a smile.
We met online. We meant to find each other. Both of us were coming out of some sort of a relationship, him: engagement, me: long term uncommitment with multiple guys in a row.We wanted to date, anyone. Many people. We wanted to go on bad dates and learn from them. Like starting our dating life all over again, reboot on love. Well, after our first date (which counted as 2 after 6+ beers and a late dinner) we were together. Immediately. Somehow, we went full strength ahead and never looked back. We were living together after 6 months, engaged on our 1 year anniversary, married 10 months later. Now, a year later... and we're still looking forward to everything finally going our way.
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