Getting Over It

I have been married for over a year, and with the same (I want to say boy, and then Brendan) man for over 3 years. The first point of this entry is about growing up. I am not dating a boy, I am not in high school roaming the halls for whomever smiled at me.  I am 30, he is 31. We're not kids anymore. And with all that growing up we found some baggage along the way to bring into our relationship.

This is about my baggage though.

I am am slightly obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert right now. I just finished her book, Committed, and have watched Eat Pray Love twice in 2 days. I am taken by the notion of getting over one's past to move on to the future. Except I am already in my future/present. I never took the time to actually deal with everything. I moved so aggressively away from the last guy, that I never had that last conversation with him. I made a decision to move on and then I did. I decided to date. And within a month I found Brendan.

So, is my regret that I didn't have one last conversation with him? Or even if I did I wouldn't know what to say? Let me make something clear: I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to know him anymore. I have feared running into him. I spent time thinking about those things, and exasperating the thought to a mutual friend. What I realized is that I have a huge amount of regret when it comes to him. I suddenly realized that I mustn't known him at all. I spent less than 3 years, slightly less, being infatuated, in love with someone that I actually never knew. Because if I knew him enough, I never would have done this to myself. I wouldn't have spent almost 3 years waiting. Mostly because I had met someone a year before him and spent the same amount of time concurrently waiting. I was a girl divided for two boys, I never had to make a choice, they did and when they didn't I spent 4 years not committing myself to anyone or anything. It's amazing I learned how to.

Maybe I was intrigued by Brendan because I never had to wait to fall in love with him. He was just so, himself. And he exhibited every quality I wanted and needed. There was no drama. Maybe I knew it was right because I found my best friend in someone I could actually be in a relationship with. And that thought is truly scary.

There is a huge amount of IF in that statement. If it had worked out with one of the other guys, I wouldn't have met Brendan. What comforts me in the scary IF is that I would truly regret not knowing him and being his wife. Saying that is how I knew I made the right choice would be ridiculous because I never asked myself the question. It wasn't a matter or choice, falling in love with him and creating our life together. It was a matter of transformation.