Something Else Right

We did something else right. 7 months ago we moved to Brooklyn. We did it for one big reason, a full time job at NYPL for me. And, approximately 1002 other reasons. Life is better here for us. That is the best way I can summarize the change. We're on an adventure.

I constantly feel that I am not present enough back at home. Like I don't call enough, or say something meaningful enough. It's hard to make time for a phone call, to keep in contact. Never know what the other will be doing. Anyway, I call my mom on the way into work one day. You know, as I am sitting on the bus with 40 other people, speaking at least 5 different languages, calling my mom feels like a good idea. She's at work, and very calmly, almost nonchalantly, tells me that she is going to send my father to CA because he's an ass and they need a break. This was probably the 3rd topic of conversation in that call. Just very la la la. "And you know, when he comes back we'll just look for apartments for him and he can move out." La. La. La.

So I felt like I should have been crumbling. But this had been happening for a long time. Their marriage ending that is. More than 6 years, when my mother first talking about it. And it was always so nonchalant. And 6 years later, it's still nonchalant. But, for some reason, this time might be different. He's changed since the beginning if this, I have witnessed his irrational anger, confusion, and have seen him take it out on my mother. Or me, my sister. Or his two grandsons. The latter being unforgivable in my book. He's tense and I am tense around him. He is someone that since leaving home, I have spent approximately 20 min on the phone with.

But I love him. I miss him. But I miss the guy who isn't an ass, who isn't mean to my mother. Or to our family. And if I ever had the balls, I don't even know how I would begin this conversation. Maybe I am needy information. Greedy. I WANT to understand.

WHY? is he an ass? is he mad at mom? for 39 years of marriage? for taking charge of they're family's life? is this a life he didn't want? HOW? did this happen? How do you decide after this long, it's a good time to end. How do you make a decision like that? How do you deal... WHEN? You just pass you're 3rd anniversary with your husband. When, there has been some dark times, and you need the hope, the thought, that you can be married for your whole life.