Parallel Universe

We went back to Rochester for a long weekend last month. It was amazing to see that many people that we knew. Not a concept to be taken for granted, (I have learned now). I went home feeling homesick. But, settled right back into a busy month at work.

2 weeks later, (last weekend), my parents came to visit. And the wall broke, the parallel universe was shifted. They were in my apartment. My little world, my new world, my Brooklyn. I have been thinking about this all week long, how to explain the notion of moving away from your family, creating a new life for yourself and them visiting. The parallel universe explanation is the only way I can describe it. My parents have not seen where I lived in years. They didn't come over for dinner when we lived in Rochester. They didn't just stop by. My life with Brendan has always been separate from my life with them. And even more separate now that I live here.

I live in a parallel universe.

I had to pretend for a whole afternoon that I knew where I was going while playing tour guide. I never know where I am going. Not without Google Maps. I got to see my Mom standing on the subway. The second day she had to do it, she just didn't understand why this was easier than owning a car. She said something out of the blue, something she wanted to say and was just looking for an excuse to say it: "You were just looking for an excuse to move away from me". It was light hearted, a joke. But she meant it.

It's heartbreaking that she would take my move so personally. But, she is my mom and that is her right. Another thing said is worth noting now. I was discussing my move with a cousin in May at a family wedding. She was talking about her sister, who moved to Philly years ago: "It took me a couple years, but, I realized she's never moving back". And about 30 minutes and another glass of wine later, she told my mother: "She's never moving back you know." And she did. At first, she said she knew it was just something I/we had to do, we'd be back, some day. And I always thought so too.

But, I couldn't imagine life any different. Parallel universe and all.

3 Songs

I'm hooked on Spotify right now. I know I am late to the game. We don't own a CD player, we stream all our music and I was soon sick of listening to hits stations on the other music apps. I wanted full albums. I wanted Sublime and Alanis. I wanted the songs of my teens and twenties.

I was listening to Sublime last night on the bus and a smile crept on my face. I had flashes of the juke box and The 3 songs that a dollar bought my sister and I. Those songs could make or break a night. They could make us brave, silly, or even make us embarrassed ourselves (many nights of serenading Boyz to Men's 'I'll Make Love to You). These songs could begin conversations.

Santeria was one of K's songs that I always played with my dollar. I remember the look on her face and the chair dance that happened within the first 10 seconds of the song. I was no longer on the bus traveling from Staten Island to Brooklyn. I was in Jack Ryan's with her drinking Rolling Rock and Blue Lights. A life time ago.

I don't miss those nights. Because with all the fun also came, well, being in our twenties. Self-doubt and insecurities, we spent so many nights waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone special to walk through the door. That was the first thing I noticed last time I was there. I didn't care who else was coming. I was with my husband, my sister and our cousin.

I don't miss those nights. But god am I thankful for them.

In Transit

I have a new joke. It's that at least 30% of the time, I have no idea where I am. It's only that low because I spend at least 8 hours at work and another 8 at home. The rest of the time I am in transit to, well, life. I know some of the main roads. I have a general sense of direction. Numbered streets are obviously easier to navigate. But I have no base knowledge of the road's interconnectedness. I always get where I need to go so there is some safety in the thought.

I get a lot done on the way back and forth to work. Tons of reading. Writing this entry. And phone calls, even if they are short. Today is my sister's birthday so I called her. Our 90 second conversation made me miss her more. I have never missed celebrating a birthday with her. And to make it worse her present is barely on the way to her. Kind of like father's day and my mom's birthday present from last month. It's the suckier part of sucking at life. Not celebrating the people in your life from far away.

Something Else Right

We did something else right. 7 months ago we moved to Brooklyn. We did it for one big reason, a full time job at NYPL for me. And, approximately 1002 other reasons. Life is better here for us. That is the best way I can summarize the change. We're on an adventure.

I constantly feel that I am not present enough back at home. Like I don't call enough, or say something meaningful enough. It's hard to make time for a phone call, to keep in contact. Never know what the other will be doing. Anyway, I call my mom on the way into work one day. You know, as I am sitting on the bus with 40 other people, speaking at least 5 different languages, calling my mom feels like a good idea. She's at work, and very calmly, almost nonchalantly, tells me that she is going to send my father to CA because he's an ass and they need a break. This was probably the 3rd topic of conversation in that call. Just very la la la. "And you know, when he comes back we'll just look for apartments for him and he can move out." La. La. La.

So I felt like I should have been crumbling. But this had been happening for a long time. Their marriage ending that is. More than 6 years, when my mother first talking about it. And it was always so nonchalant. And 6 years later, it's still nonchalant. But, for some reason, this time might be different. He's changed since the beginning if this, I have witnessed his irrational anger, confusion, and have seen him take it out on my mother. Or me, my sister. Or his two grandsons. The latter being unforgivable in my book. He's tense and I am tense around him. He is someone that since leaving home, I have spent approximately 20 min on the phone with.

But I love him. I miss him. But I miss the guy who isn't an ass, who isn't mean to my mother. Or to our family. And if I ever had the balls, I don't even know how I would begin this conversation. Maybe I am needy information. Greedy. I WANT to understand.

WHY? is he an ass? is he mad at mom? for 39 years of marriage? for taking charge of they're family's life? is this a life he didn't want? HOW? did this happen? How do you decide after this long, it's a good time to end. How do you make a decision like that? How do you deal... WHEN? You just pass you're 3rd anniversary with your husband. When, there has been some dark times, and you need the hope, the thought, that you can be married for your whole life.