Getting Over It

I have been married for over a year, and with the same (I want to say boy, and then Brendan) man for over 3 years. The first point of this entry is about growing up. I am not dating a boy, I am not in high school roaming the halls for whomever smiled at me.  I am 30, he is 31. We're not kids anymore. And with all that growing up we found some baggage along the way to bring into our relationship.

This is about my baggage though.

I am am slightly obsessed with Elizabeth Gilbert right now. I just finished her book, Committed, and have watched Eat Pray Love twice in 2 days. I am taken by the notion of getting over one's past to move on to the future. Except I am already in my future/present. I never took the time to actually deal with everything. I moved so aggressively away from the last guy, that I never had that last conversation with him. I made a decision to move on and then I did. I decided to date. And within a month I found Brendan.

So, is my regret that I didn't have one last conversation with him? Or even if I did I wouldn't know what to say? Let me make something clear: I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to know him anymore. I have feared running into him. I spent time thinking about those things, and exasperating the thought to a mutual friend. What I realized is that I have a huge amount of regret when it comes to him. I suddenly realized that I mustn't known him at all. I spent less than 3 years, slightly less, being infatuated, in love with someone that I actually never knew. Because if I knew him enough, I never would have done this to myself. I wouldn't have spent almost 3 years waiting. Mostly because I had met someone a year before him and spent the same amount of time concurrently waiting. I was a girl divided for two boys, I never had to make a choice, they did and when they didn't I spent 4 years not committing myself to anyone or anything. It's amazing I learned how to.

Maybe I was intrigued by Brendan because I never had to wait to fall in love with him. He was just so, himself. And he exhibited every quality I wanted and needed. There was no drama. Maybe I knew it was right because I found my best friend in someone I could actually be in a relationship with. And that thought is truly scary.

There is a huge amount of IF in that statement. If it had worked out with one of the other guys, I wouldn't have met Brendan. What comforts me in the scary IF is that I would truly regret not knowing him and being his wife. Saying that is how I knew I made the right choice would be ridiculous because I never asked myself the question. It wasn't a matter or choice, falling in love with him and creating our life together. It was a matter of transformation.

Something's are bitter

We often get pissed off at America. Or maybe it's New York. Or it's the government. Either way, it sucks to do things right sometimes. This is what started our little joke. We did things right. Said bitterly and with sarcasm. The vent that comes afterwards is the anger.

I went to college right after high school. I did 2 years of community college and paid for it out of pocket. Then I went to Albany and finished up my generic degree. When I got home, I had  2 part time jobs for a bit, then decided it would be a good idea to become a librarian so I went  to grad school. Then the economy crashed in 2008. So there hasn't been a whole lot of full time jobs since. But still, in the last 5 years I bought a car, moved out of my parents house, lived on my own for a couple years before meeting Brendan. I traveled a bit. And I made day to day life work. I had fun. He went to community college long enough to accrue over 10 grand in student loans. Even though he didn't get the fancy piece of paper he still found a job he could (at one time) stand and mad enough money to support himself.

And then we met. And somehow, 2 rights didn't make another right. Because of our debt and our wants. I have 2 part time jobs and no health insurance so that means no babies. I also brought with me 40 G in student loans and 10 G in credit card debt. He brought in about 15 G in student loans and random other debts. And we're suppose to start a life with this? Apparently we don't really get to start fresh with someone new.

This is why we're bitter. If we were poorer, we'd be fine. But since we're trying to make enough money to pay off our debt, we don't get any of the free crap that poor people get. Why do they get rewarded? Because when you don't have those items available to you freely, you see it as a reward for not working as hard.

I would just like to bring up the thought of dystopian marriages right now, because I read too many books in the genre. We wouldn't have worked. We wouldn't have been matched, our application for a spouse wouldn't have been approved, etc. And that is sad.